Girlfriends

I began reading the Lipstick Jungle book I mentioned in a previous post. It took me a while to get into this book as I was turned off by the Sex and the City book by the same author. However, even though this book is still about women, New York and sex, it is written differently. The characters are well defined powerful business women who share their successes and failures. So far (I’m only on chapter 3) the underlining theme of this book is the same as the other one – friendship between women.

There is one line I’ve read that I believe sums this up very well . . . “Her relationship with her girlfriends was invaluable, because it was only with women that you could really be vulnerable – you could ask for a pat on the back, without worrying about being seen as hopelessly insecure.” I think this shows the underlying difference between men and women. We need friends to tell (or in my case, write down) our thoughts and feelings in order to understand ourselves better. We don’t expect empathy, we don’t want advice, we don’t want the other person to solve our problems, we just want to express what is inside. Then we can really deal with the situation – see it for what it is.

I don’t think men get this, at least most men. They try to tell you what to do to fix the problem or tell you what you did wrong or how they would have handled it differently. That is why women (or at least myself) don’t express their inner thoughts and feelings to men easily. It becomes too frustrating because the man tries to be the “hero.” We don’t need someone to rescue us, we just need someone to really listen so we can rescue ourselves. My girlfriends are the most valuable people in my life, even though many of them are thousands of miles away. I know that there is an instant bond when we talk, whether it has been a few days, months or years. There is a true understanding among women.

It is good to read about powerful women taking control of their lives and being status figures. The characters of this book are very fascinating with their high-powered jobs and stressful lives. Even though these are just fictitious women I admire their audacity to go after what they want, but I don’t share their drive. One of the characters is a fashion designer who’s livelihood depends on what the critics think of her seasonal collection. I could never do that because I have always had no concern for what other people think of me.

I have felt from a young age that the only opinion of me that matters is my own. Maybe that’s because I have a high self-esteem, maybe I just figured out life at an early age, or maybe I just didn’t like the opinions of others so I established my own. I don’t know why, but I feel that you should only be concerned about what you think of yourself. I strive to do things to please myself not others. That isn’t to say that I am selfish and not a giving person – just the opposite. I feel giving of myself is a very worthwhile thing – not because of what people think about me but because of how I feel. So I would have to agree that I am selfish, but in a good way.

The way I see things, it doesn’t matter what others think of me as people come and go but at the end of the day you are left with only yourself. If you don’t love and respect yourself then you can’t do the same for others and you certainly can’t expect anyone else to feel the same about you. I remind myself daily that the only constant thing in the universe is change. That may sound crazy, but just think about it. Every second of the day brings change, sometimes big and sometimes small, but one moment is never the same as another.

I take comfort in knowing that, especially in sad times. When the world gets me down I remember that it is only for a moment in time and that each second brings about something different. I like change and feel bored and frustrated if there isn’t something new and challenging in my life. I can’t handle the monotonous daily grind that some people call their lives. That’s not to say I need something exciting happening every day. Sometimes simply sitting on my back porch watching the birds is enough excitement for me. Admiring the simple things is just as important as experiencing the big things in life.

Take time to smell the roses, respect and love yourself, and talk with your girlfriends. Remember, a good friend is like a good bra – hard to find, supportive, comfortable, lifts you up, never lets you down or leaves you hanging and is always close to your heart!

Friendship

I’ve just finished reading the book Sex and the City. I’ve been meaning to read this book for a long time as I loved the TV series, however I can’t say the same for the book. I almost put the book down before I had finished the first chapter as I didn’t like the writing style. It seemed very disjointed. I persevered as I thought it might get better, but it didn’t. I was surprised as I’ve heard a lot of rave reviews about Candace Bushnell’s books so I thought I would like it.

The book was mainly about women in their 30s trying to find a husband in New York. They spent most of their time spending money, drinking, doing drugs and doing men. It seemed pointless and depressing to me. Maybe I didn’t like it because I couldn’t relate to the characters. In my 30s I was married with children. I struggled with my identity as a mother alone in a foreign country. Now, in my 40s, I have entered a new phase of my life as a single mother in what is no longer a foreign country to me. I feel much more comfortable with my life now. I don’t know why, but from a young age I knew I would be a single mother. I guess I didn’t think I would find a man that would be my equal whom I would want to spend the rest of my life with, so I could only see myself as a single mother.

What I liked about the TV series, which does not show up in the book, was the closeness of the friendship between the four main characters. I wasn’t interested in their glamorous lifestyle or the many men they slept with. What made me interested was watching the friendships develop. I wish I had that same closeness with the friends in my life now. I find it hard to develop such friendships, maybe because I am too honest and don’t play the mind games that so many people play. Many times I don’t allow people to really get to know me as I don’t feel they want to.

I do have some “old” friends who I cherish, however it is difficult as they live in other countries. The internet makes it easier for us to keep in touch, but it’s not the same as spending time with someone. I blame myself for not having close friends like those portrayed by Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha. When I was 18 I moved to Hawaii and away from the friends I had made at school. I continued to move every few years. Many of those friendships fell by the wayside due to lack of contact. Fortunately I have a couple friends who have forgiven my lack of communication (and I theirs) over the years and we still keep in touch. My best friend and I have known each other since we were 9 years old. We have been through a lot in our lives, tough times and good.

I think that’s what makes a good friend – someone who stands by you no matter what. Most people find out who their friends really are when things go wrong in their lives. I discovered this a few years ago when I separated from my husband. I sent an email out to friends and family and was pleasantly surprised at all the messages of support I received. Some of those people hadn’t contacted me in years, but in my “time of need” they let me know they cared. That is what real friendship is about – accepting a person for who they are and not trying to make them fit into what you want or need in your life.

I now have Candace Bushnell’s Lipstick Jungle which I will attempt next. However if it reads like Sex and the City I may not make it through the first chapter. I’ll let you know.