Dear Lord,
So far today, I am doing all right.
I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish,or self-indulgent. I have not whined, complained, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have charged nothing on my credit card.
But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need your help then!
Monday, 30 April 2007
Grizzlies, Here I Come!
After having a rough start to the day due to emotional and inconsiderate children I longed for the future. I don't know who wrote the following, but it sums up how I feel right now.
Gonna Be A Bear
In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, gonna be a bear!
Another Poem From England
Timetable of the Do-It-All Woman
Through time
In time
On time
No time.
Everytime
Anytime
Sometime
No time.
What time?
Free time?
Play time?
No time.
Full time
Part time
Me time?
No time.
Your time
You time
Me time?
No time.
Special time
Snatched time
Me time
No time.
Life time
Dream time
Me time?
No time.
by Rita Sherriff-Hammond
Through time
In time
On time
No time.
Everytime
Anytime
Sometime
No time.
What time?
Free time?
Play time?
No time.
Full time
Part time
Me time?
No time.
Your time
You time
Me time?
No time.
Special time
Snatched time
Me time
No time.
Life time
Dream time
Me time?
No time.
by Rita Sherriff-Hammond
Sunday, 29 April 2007
Why Mother’s Day Exists
My youngest daughter was away last night for a Pippin Overnighter and earned several new Girl Guiding badges. I sewed the badges onto her pop-over and went so far as to sew her name on it as well with a lovely blue thread (her favourite colour). When I called her in to see what I had done I did not get the reaction I expected. Instead of being delighted and grateful she complained because she wanted to sew the badges on herself and she didn’t even care that I had put her name on the uniform. She said the name felt bumpy and she didn’t like it. She insisted that I take the badges off immediately so she could sew them on sometime in the future. She is only 5 years old and doesn’t even know how to sew!
As she left my bedroom to finish watching a DVD, I realised why Mother’s Day was created. It is the one day of the year that the ungrateful and inconsiderate children of the world show a little love and respect to their mothers. They should remember that if it weren’t for us mothers they would never exist! I would much prefer my children appreciate what I do on a daily basis instead of realising how special I am once a year. It is so draining to get such negative feedback to what I thought was a loving gesture.
I don’t want to be woken up early on a Sunday morning with burnt toast, horrible coffee and gifts that I don’t need and then have to go into the kitchen to clean up the mess which was made in the name of Mother’s Day. My ideal Mother’s Day is one without any children or any chores. A day when I am not breaking up fights, cleaning up messes, teaching lessons, yelling or being yelled at, and feeding everyone but myself. I would love to wake up late on Mother’s Day to a champagne brunch being served to me in bed by a handsome man who did not leave a mess in the kitchen!
I can dream, can’t I?
As she left my bedroom to finish watching a DVD, I realised why Mother’s Day was created. It is the one day of the year that the ungrateful and inconsiderate children of the world show a little love and respect to their mothers. They should remember that if it weren’t for us mothers they would never exist! I would much prefer my children appreciate what I do on a daily basis instead of realising how special I am once a year. It is so draining to get such negative feedback to what I thought was a loving gesture.
I don’t want to be woken up early on a Sunday morning with burnt toast, horrible coffee and gifts that I don’t need and then have to go into the kitchen to clean up the mess which was made in the name of Mother’s Day. My ideal Mother’s Day is one without any children or any chores. A day when I am not breaking up fights, cleaning up messes, teaching lessons, yelling or being yelled at, and feeding everyone but myself. I would love to wake up late on Mother’s Day to a champagne brunch being served to me in bed by a handsome man who did not leave a mess in the kitchen!
I can dream, can’t I?
Friday, 27 April 2007
So Much To Say
A friend of mine in England read my first post and sent me this poem she wrote. I liked it so much I asked her permission to share it on my blog. Hope you enjoy it as well.
You’ve So Much To Say
He says, ‘You’ve so much to say.’
She smiles and fears,
‘Who wants to hear the
torrent of terror?
Who wants to plunge into the volcano
and be consumed
by my all devouring need?’
She feels,
‘But I have moved mountains.
I have clawed myself up
out of the cavernous gorge.
I have crossed the abyss
dancing on a rainbow bridge.
I have drained dams
to quench my all consuming
thirst for life
in all its extremities.
And I have given of myself
generously, willingly
To assuage my guilt
To justify my existence
To become visible
To myself.’
In reply she says,
‘It’s nothing new, it’s all been said before.’
But secretly, she hopes it hasn’t.
written by Rita Sherriff-Hammond
Thursday, 26 April 2007
Why should I pay to make someone’s job easier?
Warning: Explicit medical talk about female genitalia. Do not read any further if you are squeamish.
Part of the reason I treated myself to a movie today (see the post below) was to forget how the day started. I had a cervical smear. This is one of those necessary events that women do not look forward to. To those men reading this, think of having a prostate exam and you’ll have some understanding. No matter how secure I am with my sexuality I can’t help feeling uncomfortable having a woman sticking things inside my vagina.
But before the procedure happened I was informed that I could pay $21 for a Thin Prep test. Being frugal I was not about to part with money before I knew all the facts. So I asked what a Thin Prep test was and how it differed from a normal test. I was told that the normal test, which the New Zealand government pays for, consists of taking a sample of my cervical cells and smearing it on a slide. The cells for a Thin Prep test, which I would have to pay for, are put into liquid and sent to the lab. The liquid is then spun at high speed to remove unnecessary things, like blood and mucus. All that is left are the cells which are then examined for abnormalities. This test is better because the cells are easily viewed, whereas the normal test is more difficult since blood and mucus on the slide can obscure the cervical cells.
I made the comment to the nurse that as I understood it I was being asked to pay for a procedure that made things easier for the testing lab. She agreed with my statement and we both wondered why the government wasn’t funding the Thin Prep test. I don’t know what it costs for the traditional slide method of testing, but if this new form of testing is faster and more accurate wouldn’t it make sense that it would save money by freeing up time and resources at the testing lab?
I decided to pay the extra $21 for the Thin Prep test because I don’t trust the traditional method any more due to the Gisborne cervical smear mess-up in the 1990s. I’m surprised the New Zealand Government doesn’t fund this new test regardless of the cost. It would make sense to pay for a procedure that may protect them against another scandal and lawsuits. You would think they would learn from the past.
Maybe they don’t have any money left for funding and have decided to pass the buck. Maybe they feel that if they put the decision and cost of testing onto the women that if another screw-up happens they can blame it on the women who did not spend the extra $21. I think a government should do all it can to protect its residents – those people who vote and pay for the government to exist.
However now that my test is done, hopefully I won’t have to do it again for at least three years. I’m crossing my fingers that the lab reads the results correctly!
Part of the reason I treated myself to a movie today (see the post below) was to forget how the day started. I had a cervical smear. This is one of those necessary events that women do not look forward to. To those men reading this, think of having a prostate exam and you’ll have some understanding. No matter how secure I am with my sexuality I can’t help feeling uncomfortable having a woman sticking things inside my vagina.
But before the procedure happened I was informed that I could pay $21 for a Thin Prep test. Being frugal I was not about to part with money before I knew all the facts. So I asked what a Thin Prep test was and how it differed from a normal test. I was told that the normal test, which the New Zealand government pays for, consists of taking a sample of my cervical cells and smearing it on a slide. The cells for a Thin Prep test, which I would have to pay for, are put into liquid and sent to the lab. The liquid is then spun at high speed to remove unnecessary things, like blood and mucus. All that is left are the cells which are then examined for abnormalities. This test is better because the cells are easily viewed, whereas the normal test is more difficult since blood and mucus on the slide can obscure the cervical cells.
I made the comment to the nurse that as I understood it I was being asked to pay for a procedure that made things easier for the testing lab. She agreed with my statement and we both wondered why the government wasn’t funding the Thin Prep test. I don’t know what it costs for the traditional slide method of testing, but if this new form of testing is faster and more accurate wouldn’t it make sense that it would save money by freeing up time and resources at the testing lab?
I decided to pay the extra $21 for the Thin Prep test because I don’t trust the traditional method any more due to the Gisborne cervical smear mess-up in the 1990s. I’m surprised the New Zealand Government doesn’t fund this new test regardless of the cost. It would make sense to pay for a procedure that may protect them against another scandal and lawsuits. You would think they would learn from the past.
Maybe they don’t have any money left for funding and have decided to pass the buck. Maybe they feel that if they put the decision and cost of testing onto the women that if another screw-up happens they can blame it on the women who did not spend the extra $21. I think a government should do all it can to protect its residents – those people who vote and pay for the government to exist.
However now that my test is done, hopefully I won’t have to do it again for at least three years. I’m crossing my fingers that the lab reads the results correctly!
Do Women Have A Mid-Life Crisis?
I went to the movies today, which is a rarity for me as the cost to go to the movies is unbelievable. I’m not just talking the price of the ticket, but the cost for petrol to get to the theatre (the closest one to me is 40 km away), and the price for a snack while you are there. I can’t sit through a movie without popcorn and a coke! I had a free movie ticket which was to expire in 4 days and being the frugal type I decided I must use it.
I saw the movie Wild Hogs which is a story about four men in their late 40s who form a motorcycle gang in suburban Ohio. One decides that they need to go on a road trip to California to become “real” bikers. Basically the four are having a mid-life crisis as they are unsatisfied with the way their lives have ended up. Most of the movie was predictable and the four “posers” became heroes in the end and overcame the real problems they were having with their lives.
I went to see this particular movie because it starred John Travolta . . . need I say more? For those wondering, yes he did dance in this movie, but unfortunately it was with a man! Sexy, none the less.
Having watched this movie and many other similar ones over the years, I got to thinking do women have a mid-life crisis? Do we ever wish to relive our youth and go back to “better” days? I don’t think so. I believe if you asked most women they wouldn’t want to go back to how they were in their teens or twenties. Yes, we were younger. Yes, we were probably better looking. I know my belly saw better days before I had children. But to go back to being naïve and shy and unsure about where you fit in the world, I think not.
Life was different back then, but I wouldn’t glorify it. I have learned so much through the many experiences I have had over the years. The people I’ve met and the places I’ve gone have taught me more than I could have ever imagined. I believe I know myself so much better now. There is nothing I did in my youth that I would like to relive. I don’t need to be the star of the sports team, or the coolest kid at school, or drive the hottest car. I don’t understand why men seem to need that type of reassurance. Why do they need to relive past victories? Do we view change differently? It seems that men become stagnant and set in their ways, whereas women seem to grow and develop over time.
Of course I am not speaking on behalf of all women (no one can do that) and I am not talking about all men (I have met some very interesting men in my time) but it seems that some men, as depicted in movies, go through a time of dissatisfaction with their lives. So I was just wondering why? I don’t know the answer, but I do know it makes for some funny movies!
I saw the movie Wild Hogs which is a story about four men in their late 40s who form a motorcycle gang in suburban Ohio. One decides that they need to go on a road trip to California to become “real” bikers. Basically the four are having a mid-life crisis as they are unsatisfied with the way their lives have ended up. Most of the movie was predictable and the four “posers” became heroes in the end and overcame the real problems they were having with their lives.
I went to see this particular movie because it starred John Travolta . . . need I say more? For those wondering, yes he did dance in this movie, but unfortunately it was with a man! Sexy, none the less.
Having watched this movie and many other similar ones over the years, I got to thinking do women have a mid-life crisis? Do we ever wish to relive our youth and go back to “better” days? I don’t think so. I believe if you asked most women they wouldn’t want to go back to how they were in their teens or twenties. Yes, we were younger. Yes, we were probably better looking. I know my belly saw better days before I had children. But to go back to being naïve and shy and unsure about where you fit in the world, I think not.
Life was different back then, but I wouldn’t glorify it. I have learned so much through the many experiences I have had over the years. The people I’ve met and the places I’ve gone have taught me more than I could have ever imagined. I believe I know myself so much better now. There is nothing I did in my youth that I would like to relive. I don’t need to be the star of the sports team, or the coolest kid at school, or drive the hottest car. I don’t understand why men seem to need that type of reassurance. Why do they need to relive past victories? Do we view change differently? It seems that men become stagnant and set in their ways, whereas women seem to grow and develop over time.
Of course I am not speaking on behalf of all women (no one can do that) and I am not talking about all men (I have met some very interesting men in my time) but it seems that some men, as depicted in movies, go through a time of dissatisfaction with their lives. So I was just wondering why? I don’t know the answer, but I do know it makes for some funny movies!
Wednesday, 25 April 2007
Why War?
I marched in two ANZAC Day ceremonies this morning as part of my Brownie Leader duties. Actually I didn’t have to march but my daughters needed to in order to earn their ANZAC Heritage badges. And since they are in two different units we went to two different parades and I decided to join the ranks of the marchers.
The first parade was short and sweet. We walked about 50 metres and then stood there in the road listening to a speaker and pastor “remember the dead.” We sang a hymn or two along with the National Anthem. It was all over in less than 30 minutes. Afterward we went into the War Memorial Hall and had morning tea which was supplied by the Girl Guides. I thought it was interesting to see that the bar was opened and that many men in uniform availed themselves of the alcoholic beverages even though it was only 9:30AM.
The next parade I went to was much bigger with the entire community and people from surrounding areas there to show their support. Even though it was supposed to be a sombre event, the crowds that lined the streets waved and smiled at the people they recognised marching. We then sat through an hour of speeches, hymns, and the laying of wreaths.
I wondered as I sat amongst all these children if they understood what this was all about. I doubt it. I think most of the Girl Guides were just there to earn a new pretty badge for their sash. None of them would have close relatives who had gone to war or know anyone who had died in an overseas conflict.
I count myself lucky as I don’t know of any relatives who have died in a war. My father and oldest brother are both retired US Navy Officers. My father served in Korea and Vietnam and my brother was on a nuclear submarine during the Gulf War. I think many people my age wouldn’t know anyone that has gone to war, which is how it should be.
I don’t understand the concept of war. People who don’t start the argument are sent off to a foreign place to battle it out on behalf of their leaders. And who suffers? The people that didn’t start the war in the first place. Is that fair? Who is to say what is right and what is wrong? I have no hatred or anger towards others. I cannot say that someone in a foreign country is wrong because their culture is different from mine. I cannot hate someone because they think or look differently than I do. It is not our place to decide which people are better than others. We are all people living on one planet. We should embrace our differences and learn from each other.
Maybe it is just because I am a woman, or maybe the way I have grown up, but I don’t see any reason to fight. Use your minds to solve problems as a problem only exists in one’s mind. Some may say I am naïve and you can’t simply solve a major conflict by talking, but why not? Isn’t that how conflicts start? And why should people who have nothing to do with the problem have to suffer? Put the politicians, religious leaders, or who ever is at the top of the ladder in a room and let them sort it out. I bet if you gave them a case of wine or spirits they would all be singing each others praises within an hour.
ANZAC Day is a day of remembrance. I think we should remember that we are all the same within – we all bleed red blood and die just like everyone else. My favourite band is the Beatles and I agree with them when they said Let it Be. Why can’t we just let others be?
The first parade was short and sweet. We walked about 50 metres and then stood there in the road listening to a speaker and pastor “remember the dead.” We sang a hymn or two along with the National Anthem. It was all over in less than 30 minutes. Afterward we went into the War Memorial Hall and had morning tea which was supplied by the Girl Guides. I thought it was interesting to see that the bar was opened and that many men in uniform availed themselves of the alcoholic beverages even though it was only 9:30AM.
The next parade I went to was much bigger with the entire community and people from surrounding areas there to show their support. Even though it was supposed to be a sombre event, the crowds that lined the streets waved and smiled at the people they recognised marching. We then sat through an hour of speeches, hymns, and the laying of wreaths.
I wondered as I sat amongst all these children if they understood what this was all about. I doubt it. I think most of the Girl Guides were just there to earn a new pretty badge for their sash. None of them would have close relatives who had gone to war or know anyone who had died in an overseas conflict.
I count myself lucky as I don’t know of any relatives who have died in a war. My father and oldest brother are both retired US Navy Officers. My father served in Korea and Vietnam and my brother was on a nuclear submarine during the Gulf War. I think many people my age wouldn’t know anyone that has gone to war, which is how it should be.
I don’t understand the concept of war. People who don’t start the argument are sent off to a foreign place to battle it out on behalf of their leaders. And who suffers? The people that didn’t start the war in the first place. Is that fair? Who is to say what is right and what is wrong? I have no hatred or anger towards others. I cannot say that someone in a foreign country is wrong because their culture is different from mine. I cannot hate someone because they think or look differently than I do. It is not our place to decide which people are better than others. We are all people living on one planet. We should embrace our differences and learn from each other.
Maybe it is just because I am a woman, or maybe the way I have grown up, but I don’t see any reason to fight. Use your minds to solve problems as a problem only exists in one’s mind. Some may say I am naïve and you can’t simply solve a major conflict by talking, but why not? Isn’t that how conflicts start? And why should people who have nothing to do with the problem have to suffer? Put the politicians, religious leaders, or who ever is at the top of the ladder in a room and let them sort it out. I bet if you gave them a case of wine or spirits they would all be singing each others praises within an hour.
ANZAC Day is a day of remembrance. I think we should remember that we are all the same within – we all bleed red blood and die just like everyone else. My favourite band is the Beatles and I agree with them when they said Let it Be. Why can’t we just let others be?
Tuesday, 24 April 2007
Who, not what, Am I?
I was thinking today as I drove to the next town to my weekly craft group about Who I Am?
Most people would simply say, don’t you know who you are? Of course I do, but I was wondering if anyone else knows? It seems all my life I have struggled to be known as an individual. As far back as I can remember I have always been something, not someone. At first I was my father’s baby, being the youngest of his four children. Then I was my brothers’ little sister. Even when I moved to Hawaii as an adult I was under someone else’s shadow. When I first met people on Kauai I would always reply to the comment “Oh, you’re Jack’s niece” by saying, “No, I’m Michelle.” But that didn’t mean anything to them as they didn’t know me. They needed to know how I fit into their picture of society. Some years later I was delighted to overhear a conversation at a party when a friend of mine was introduced to Jack and my friend said “Oh, you’re Michelle’s uncle.” A milestone had been met – I finally had a name, but did I have an identity?
It seems that people need to classify everything, even other people. Do you really understand who someone is if you put them into a category? Why does everyone need to determine what someone is instead of who they are? Isn’t that a form of stereotyping? Today I am known as my children’s mother, or the Brownie Leader, or the computer whiz. This is not who I am, these are simply things I do. Jobs I have undertaken, some I can never quit (being a mother). Why do I have to be defined by what I do?
Is it easier for society to know people by what they do than by who they are? Does it make us more secure to know where people fit in our lives? Think about that. When you are out with a friend and see someone only you know, what do you say when your friend asks who that other person was? Do you define them by their role (that was Johnny’s mom), their job (that was my dentist), or their activities (that’s a tennis buddy)? I bet you don’t say that is a really creative, caring, generous friend. Why not?
What keeps us from seeing who other people are? Why must we define them by what they do? I’ve been separated from my husband for three years now. I am still very friendly with his family and it was only recently that I chose to stop referring to his brother’s ex-wife as my sister-in-law and call her friend. I am just as guilty as the next guy when it comes to stereotyping people, but I wonder why we must do that? Why can’t we accept and see people for who they really are, instead of what they are?
Do we have an innate need to define things? Must we classify, categorise, and compartmentalise everything including people? Does this stereotyping keep us safe because we feel we know what to expect of them? I think it makes us less approachable. It is difficult to overcome how someone sees you, even when you get to know them. Next time you introduce someone try to say who they are, not what they are. See if it makes a difference to how they are perceived, and let me know!
For some people being seen is all that matters . . . for me being known is what’s important.
Now I’m off to perform my duties as a Brownie Leader. I only hope my brownies know me as a creative, caring, giving, fun, tolerant person who is also, hopefully, a good cook as we are making ANZAC biscuits!
Most people would simply say, don’t you know who you are? Of course I do, but I was wondering if anyone else knows? It seems all my life I have struggled to be known as an individual. As far back as I can remember I have always been something, not someone. At first I was my father’s baby, being the youngest of his four children. Then I was my brothers’ little sister. Even when I moved to Hawaii as an adult I was under someone else’s shadow. When I first met people on Kauai I would always reply to the comment “Oh, you’re Jack’s niece” by saying, “No, I’m Michelle.” But that didn’t mean anything to them as they didn’t know me. They needed to know how I fit into their picture of society. Some years later I was delighted to overhear a conversation at a party when a friend of mine was introduced to Jack and my friend said “Oh, you’re Michelle’s uncle.” A milestone had been met – I finally had a name, but did I have an identity?
It seems that people need to classify everything, even other people. Do you really understand who someone is if you put them into a category? Why does everyone need to determine what someone is instead of who they are? Isn’t that a form of stereotyping? Today I am known as my children’s mother, or the Brownie Leader, or the computer whiz. This is not who I am, these are simply things I do. Jobs I have undertaken, some I can never quit (being a mother). Why do I have to be defined by what I do?
Is it easier for society to know people by what they do than by who they are? Does it make us more secure to know where people fit in our lives? Think about that. When you are out with a friend and see someone only you know, what do you say when your friend asks who that other person was? Do you define them by their role (that was Johnny’s mom), their job (that was my dentist), or their activities (that’s a tennis buddy)? I bet you don’t say that is a really creative, caring, generous friend. Why not?
What keeps us from seeing who other people are? Why must we define them by what they do? I’ve been separated from my husband for three years now. I am still very friendly with his family and it was only recently that I chose to stop referring to his brother’s ex-wife as my sister-in-law and call her friend. I am just as guilty as the next guy when it comes to stereotyping people, but I wonder why we must do that? Why can’t we accept and see people for who they really are, instead of what they are?
Do we have an innate need to define things? Must we classify, categorise, and compartmentalise everything including people? Does this stereotyping keep us safe because we feel we know what to expect of them? I think it makes us less approachable. It is difficult to overcome how someone sees you, even when you get to know them. Next time you introduce someone try to say who they are, not what they are. See if it makes a difference to how they are perceived, and let me know!
For some people being seen is all that matters . . . for me being known is what’s important.
Now I’m off to perform my duties as a Brownie Leader. I only hope my brownies know me as a creative, caring, giving, fun, tolerant person who is also, hopefully, a good cook as we are making ANZAC biscuits!
What’s happened to dating?
I’ve been thinking too much again, which is one of my major faults along with perfectionism and being a control freak. Having children has helped me with those last two faults as any parent knows you cannot control a child and nobody is perfect no matter how hard you try – it’s all just a perception anyway.
What have I been thinking about you may ask? Relationships. I have always spent a lot of time rethinking past relationships, which is probably normal for most people. Everyone is always trying to learn from past mistakes. You know, trying to figure out what went wrong, what you could have done differently or what they could have done right. I say that because being a perfectionist, I certainly would not have done anything wrong. ;-)
The reason I’ve been thinking about relationships is I’ve started “dating” again. I’ve been separated from my husband for three years now and decided this would be the year I try to find someone. I had thought of letting someone find me, but in my life I don’t go anywhere I encounter single men regularly. Most places I go are with my children so I spend time with other families or if there were any single men around they don’t make it known, plus I find it is just assumed that a woman with children is unapproachable.
I finally gave in to my curiosity and my friend’s nagging to join a dating website. Being a computer consultant it just made sense to look for someone using the tools of my trade. At first it was a big ego boost as I received attention from many different men, unfortunately most were not my type. A lot of the men were much older and bald – yes, I guess I am a bit shallow. But the way I see it, if you don’t like what you are looking at how are you going to be with them – would you just stare at the floor or ceiling the entire time? Some of the men were from my area and one I already knew from Playcentre and my children’s school. I was a bit surprised to find out that he had liked me for some time, especially since he and his wife had only split up a few months before. Now I think I know why his wife used to pick fights with me – I always just thought it was my accent that bothered her.
It didn’t take long for the excitement of the website to wear off. The men I was interested in didn’t like me and vice versa. It seemed that many were “ready to have children” and I am past that point. I was amazed to see so many 30-something men putting that information in their profile. When I dated 30+ aged men they always steered away from the conversation of children. They seemed to think of it as too much of a commitment. I know Kiwi men are different than American men, but maybe society has changed in the 14 years since I last dated.
The other thing that made me lose interest in dating online was how impersonal it was. It was like you either had to spend days getting to know someone through messages or you had to quickly go on a date with a complete stranger. I tried to liken it to meeting someone at a pub (or where ever people meet these days). In a pub you would give someone a look and then chat to them and then exchange phone numbers. Later you would spend several days talking on the phone or maybe just set up a dinner date. From there you would continue talking on the phone weekly or daily (if you were really keen) until the relationship developed into something more intimate.
But with the internet you don’t know who you are chatting to. You see a photo (or not) and read a profile which could be completely made up. For all I know I was chatting to a bunch of college boys sitting around their room taking turns answering my questions. A few conversations I had with “suitors” were very strange and awkward. I felt as though I was not chatting with the person who had written the profile, or that they were chatting with several other women at the same time. Is that what society has come to? We are all so insecure that we have to have several prospects on the go at once? When I was younger there were people like that – the women we called sluts and the men we called users (or assholes if they were an ex!). I found it difficult to carry on a written conversation with someone because many times my words were taken the wrong way. I know there are slang words (LOL) and emoticons but it isn’t the same. When I joined the site I thought I would meet someone, exchange phones numbers and start a relationship from there. But it seems it is either meet or chat online.
I don’t know if I was distrusting or just being cautious, but I wasn’t about to run off and meet just anyone that asked. I did go on one date which was nice but the guy seemed to go from being cold to liking me too much. Fortunately he left two days later to lead a tour bus around the country. I considered him my guinea pig as I just needed to get a date under my belt. I liked him at first until I found out that he isn’t a permanent resident and lives in his mini van. So I set up a date with someone else, this time being optimistic as we had more in common. But once the date was sent we didn’t chat again. So the night before the planned date I sent a message confirming that we would meet, giving him my cell phone number. Just before I left the house the next morning I checked my online messages and he had cancelled due to an illness in the family. We rescheduled for two days later and I told him to ring if anything came up. Two days later I had a coffee by myself at the place we were meant to meet. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by sticking around for an hour after our planned time, but he never showed. I was actually relieved as his picture looked like a boyfriend of mine 20 years ago. I knew he wasn’t the same man, but I don’t know if I wanted to be reminded of that relationship. You may wonder what happened to make this man stand me up – well it took several days for me to find out, even though he had my cell phone number. He finally sent me a message saying that he had to go be with his sick father, however he didn’t actually apologise for standing me up. I was understanding and we said we would try to meet up again. That is the last message we sent each other. I didn’t feel there was any effort on his part so I gave up.
At this point I wasn’t getting much new attention on the website and I was losing interest fast. It seemed like too much wasted effort. When did dating become so difficult? How can you get to know someone through words on a screen if you don’t know the context they were written? I longed for the “good old days” when you didn’t have to hunt down a partner. I thought maybe I should change my profile to better reflect who I am. So I began to think, what is my type and what makes a good relationship. The interesting thing is you think you know what you want but when you have to put it down in writing you become unsure. So I thought about my past relationships and what I liked about them and what seemed to make them work, when they did work!
I believe that a good relationship needs to be based on honesty, communication, and respect. This is any type of relationship – friendship, family, partner, and even your relationship with yourself. If you don’t have these elements then you won’t have a healthy relationship. What about love, what about sex, you say? Well, that is all well and good (sometimes better than good) but those things are fleeting. If you can tell people honestly what you are feeling, what you want, what you need then the relationship can grow. But you can’t do that if you are not honest with yourself first. By honesty I don’t just mean not telling lies. If that were true then I would be a hypocrite. There are acceptable lies, like saying she looks lovely in that outfit because you just want to get to the movies on time. For me honesty means allowing yourself to feel, not denying what you don’t want to know, and not denying other people’s feelings.
With communication I don’t just mean words, as they can be misconstrued. There are many other forms of communication – a thoughtful gesture, a look, a touch, and a gift, are just a few. Unfortunately you can’t communicate with someone else if they are unwilling to communicate with you. Just as communication fails if no one is listening. Fortunately I am listening to this ranting so as least one person is benefiting from this form of communication!
And there must be respect. Again this needs to begin within yourself. You can’t expect others to respect you if you don’t respect yourself. I’m not talking about the kind of respect you give someone in authority. I mean treating others as you would like to be treated. I have the challenging task of trying to teach my children respect for each other. It’s a hard concept to grasp, even for adults, let alone a 5 and 9 year old child. I am constantly saying “Would you like someone to do that to you?” after one of them hits, bites, or yells at the other. Oh the joys of being a parent!
So that is what I feel makes a good relationship and knowing that, I can then try to determine what type of person I want to be with. Of course it goes without saying (although I will now say it) that they must be a person who is honest, communicates well and respectful. And as you have already read they must be good looking (no old, bald guys). I forgot to mention shallow under my faults!
I want someone similar to me, or at least what I perceive myself to be. Secure in themselves but not stuck up. Intelligent and able to communicate well. Loving, caring and giving nature. Affectionate, which means being able to touch in a caring way – holding hands, cuddling, walking arm in arm, leaning on each other, etc. Someone who likes animals and the environment. Someone who is accepting of other people’s differences. I like to think I have an open mind and I allow people to be who they want. I don’t like people who try to force their beliefs on me or think their way is the best/only way. I can figure things out for myself and if I want to know more I will. Someone who is creative, passionate, articulate, and has a sense of humour. I am sure there is more but as I said before it is difficult to list what you want, especially while you are sitting by yourself. If I had a friend here I am sure they would be telling me what I’ve left out.
Is it sad that we have become so busy with life that we have to rely on a machine to help us find someone? I do know some people who have met over the internet and they are still together. A woman I work with got engaged 4 months after meeting someone online. I wonder what the statistics would be comparing lasting relationships which have been forged online versus relationships that have developed the old-fashioned way?
I’m not looking for “true love” or my “soul mate” or even my next husband (I don’t know that I want to be married again). And I am certainly not looking for a father for my children or someone to have more kids with. I am just looking for someone like me who can share my thoughts, feelings, interests, and to spend some time with. Re-reading that last line tells me I’ve already found someone – myself! So I guess I should clarify that I do want someone that is different from me but has the same desires and goals for a relationship.
What have I been thinking about you may ask? Relationships. I have always spent a lot of time rethinking past relationships, which is probably normal for most people. Everyone is always trying to learn from past mistakes. You know, trying to figure out what went wrong, what you could have done differently or what they could have done right. I say that because being a perfectionist, I certainly would not have done anything wrong. ;-)
The reason I’ve been thinking about relationships is I’ve started “dating” again. I’ve been separated from my husband for three years now and decided this would be the year I try to find someone. I had thought of letting someone find me, but in my life I don’t go anywhere I encounter single men regularly. Most places I go are with my children so I spend time with other families or if there were any single men around they don’t make it known, plus I find it is just assumed that a woman with children is unapproachable.
I finally gave in to my curiosity and my friend’s nagging to join a dating website. Being a computer consultant it just made sense to look for someone using the tools of my trade. At first it was a big ego boost as I received attention from many different men, unfortunately most were not my type. A lot of the men were much older and bald – yes, I guess I am a bit shallow. But the way I see it, if you don’t like what you are looking at how are you going to be with them – would you just stare at the floor or ceiling the entire time? Some of the men were from my area and one I already knew from Playcentre and my children’s school. I was a bit surprised to find out that he had liked me for some time, especially since he and his wife had only split up a few months before. Now I think I know why his wife used to pick fights with me – I always just thought it was my accent that bothered her.
It didn’t take long for the excitement of the website to wear off. The men I was interested in didn’t like me and vice versa. It seemed that many were “ready to have children” and I am past that point. I was amazed to see so many 30-something men putting that information in their profile. When I dated 30+ aged men they always steered away from the conversation of children. They seemed to think of it as too much of a commitment. I know Kiwi men are different than American men, but maybe society has changed in the 14 years since I last dated.
The other thing that made me lose interest in dating online was how impersonal it was. It was like you either had to spend days getting to know someone through messages or you had to quickly go on a date with a complete stranger. I tried to liken it to meeting someone at a pub (or where ever people meet these days). In a pub you would give someone a look and then chat to them and then exchange phone numbers. Later you would spend several days talking on the phone or maybe just set up a dinner date. From there you would continue talking on the phone weekly or daily (if you were really keen) until the relationship developed into something more intimate.
But with the internet you don’t know who you are chatting to. You see a photo (or not) and read a profile which could be completely made up. For all I know I was chatting to a bunch of college boys sitting around their room taking turns answering my questions. A few conversations I had with “suitors” were very strange and awkward. I felt as though I was not chatting with the person who had written the profile, or that they were chatting with several other women at the same time. Is that what society has come to? We are all so insecure that we have to have several prospects on the go at once? When I was younger there were people like that – the women we called sluts and the men we called users (or assholes if they were an ex!). I found it difficult to carry on a written conversation with someone because many times my words were taken the wrong way. I know there are slang words (LOL) and emoticons but it isn’t the same. When I joined the site I thought I would meet someone, exchange phones numbers and start a relationship from there. But it seems it is either meet or chat online.
I don’t know if I was distrusting or just being cautious, but I wasn’t about to run off and meet just anyone that asked. I did go on one date which was nice but the guy seemed to go from being cold to liking me too much. Fortunately he left two days later to lead a tour bus around the country. I considered him my guinea pig as I just needed to get a date under my belt. I liked him at first until I found out that he isn’t a permanent resident and lives in his mini van. So I set up a date with someone else, this time being optimistic as we had more in common. But once the date was sent we didn’t chat again. So the night before the planned date I sent a message confirming that we would meet, giving him my cell phone number. Just before I left the house the next morning I checked my online messages and he had cancelled due to an illness in the family. We rescheduled for two days later and I told him to ring if anything came up. Two days later I had a coffee by myself at the place we were meant to meet. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by sticking around for an hour after our planned time, but he never showed. I was actually relieved as his picture looked like a boyfriend of mine 20 years ago. I knew he wasn’t the same man, but I don’t know if I wanted to be reminded of that relationship. You may wonder what happened to make this man stand me up – well it took several days for me to find out, even though he had my cell phone number. He finally sent me a message saying that he had to go be with his sick father, however he didn’t actually apologise for standing me up. I was understanding and we said we would try to meet up again. That is the last message we sent each other. I didn’t feel there was any effort on his part so I gave up.
At this point I wasn’t getting much new attention on the website and I was losing interest fast. It seemed like too much wasted effort. When did dating become so difficult? How can you get to know someone through words on a screen if you don’t know the context they were written? I longed for the “good old days” when you didn’t have to hunt down a partner. I thought maybe I should change my profile to better reflect who I am. So I began to think, what is my type and what makes a good relationship. The interesting thing is you think you know what you want but when you have to put it down in writing you become unsure. So I thought about my past relationships and what I liked about them and what seemed to make them work, when they did work!
I believe that a good relationship needs to be based on honesty, communication, and respect. This is any type of relationship – friendship, family, partner, and even your relationship with yourself. If you don’t have these elements then you won’t have a healthy relationship. What about love, what about sex, you say? Well, that is all well and good (sometimes better than good) but those things are fleeting. If you can tell people honestly what you are feeling, what you want, what you need then the relationship can grow. But you can’t do that if you are not honest with yourself first. By honesty I don’t just mean not telling lies. If that were true then I would be a hypocrite. There are acceptable lies, like saying she looks lovely in that outfit because you just want to get to the movies on time. For me honesty means allowing yourself to feel, not denying what you don’t want to know, and not denying other people’s feelings.
With communication I don’t just mean words, as they can be misconstrued. There are many other forms of communication – a thoughtful gesture, a look, a touch, and a gift, are just a few. Unfortunately you can’t communicate with someone else if they are unwilling to communicate with you. Just as communication fails if no one is listening. Fortunately I am listening to this ranting so as least one person is benefiting from this form of communication!
And there must be respect. Again this needs to begin within yourself. You can’t expect others to respect you if you don’t respect yourself. I’m not talking about the kind of respect you give someone in authority. I mean treating others as you would like to be treated. I have the challenging task of trying to teach my children respect for each other. It’s a hard concept to grasp, even for adults, let alone a 5 and 9 year old child. I am constantly saying “Would you like someone to do that to you?” after one of them hits, bites, or yells at the other. Oh the joys of being a parent!
So that is what I feel makes a good relationship and knowing that, I can then try to determine what type of person I want to be with. Of course it goes without saying (although I will now say it) that they must be a person who is honest, communicates well and respectful. And as you have already read they must be good looking (no old, bald guys). I forgot to mention shallow under my faults!
I want someone similar to me, or at least what I perceive myself to be. Secure in themselves but not stuck up. Intelligent and able to communicate well. Loving, caring and giving nature. Affectionate, which means being able to touch in a caring way – holding hands, cuddling, walking arm in arm, leaning on each other, etc. Someone who likes animals and the environment. Someone who is accepting of other people’s differences. I like to think I have an open mind and I allow people to be who they want. I don’t like people who try to force their beliefs on me or think their way is the best/only way. I can figure things out for myself and if I want to know more I will. Someone who is creative, passionate, articulate, and has a sense of humour. I am sure there is more but as I said before it is difficult to list what you want, especially while you are sitting by yourself. If I had a friend here I am sure they would be telling me what I’ve left out.
Is it sad that we have become so busy with life that we have to rely on a machine to help us find someone? I do know some people who have met over the internet and they are still together. A woman I work with got engaged 4 months after meeting someone online. I wonder what the statistics would be comparing lasting relationships which have been forged online versus relationships that have developed the old-fashioned way?
I’m not looking for “true love” or my “soul mate” or even my next husband (I don’t know that I want to be married again). And I am certainly not looking for a father for my children or someone to have more kids with. I am just looking for someone like me who can share my thoughts, feelings, interests, and to spend some time with. Re-reading that last line tells me I’ve already found someone – myself! So I guess I should clarify that I do want someone that is different from me but has the same desires and goals for a relationship.
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