Why there is no manual for being a parent

About 2AM this morning I heard a faint cry for help coming from my daughters’ bedroom. I stumbled in there in the dark and asked what was wrong, thinking she had a nightmare or fell out of bed. Her reply was “I threw up.” I calmly asked where, and she said “In my hands.” So then I turned on the lights to discover that her hands had not contained the mess. Why do children always throw up in bed at night on their pillows? Pillows are the hardest things to wash and the smell never goes away!

I then had the daunting task of cleaning up the mess. It was made more difficult by the fact my daughter was on the opposite side of the bed which is a top bunk. If you have ever had the privilege of making a bunk bed you will appreciate the difficultly I faced when trying to remove the bottom sheet without spilling any of the mess on the floor or her sleeping sister below.

My youngest awoke in the midst of the mayhem and I quickly told her it was the middle of the night and she should go back to sleep. To my pleasant surprise she did! I just wish she was so obedient during the day.

As I was cleaning up the mess I thought, no wonder there is no instruction manual for being a parent. Who, in their right mind, would ever take on such a task if they knew everything they were in for? Fortunately I had managed to have a couple hours sleep before being woken to this disgusting task. In fact, I was partially awake when the call for help came. You know, when you are dreaming and just awake enough to participate in your dream. No, I was not having that type of dream. If I was then I would have been very cranky when I woke up!

As I rinsed the sheets and pillows in the bath, I got to think that maybe I should write an instruction manual for parents. Not a nice pleasant or scientific one, but a true to life, warts and all, type of book. I could have “do’s” and “don’ts” and tips in the manual. Maybe even a quick reference page for those emergencies, like what to do when your daughter pushes a cotton swab too far into her ear. There could be a section for how to stay calm or overcome anger (as if I know how to do either).

I read a book during my first pregnancy (I don’t recall the name) which told it like it was. No pleasantries about being pregnant. The author (a woman of course) wrote down everything that women go through in a seriously funny way. I think parents need something like that. Maybe that type of book already exists. I’ll have to check the library to see, however I think I might be able to write something. How’s the title The Joys of Being a Parent sound?