Are you listening?

Today I sat on my back porch enjoying the late morning sun, reading the Lipstick Jungle book. A couple characters in the book are having trouble and choose to be juvenile instead of talking with each other about how they feel. So I began wondering why do people have so much trouble communicating with each other?

I’m not talking about communication in the literal sense – in this day and age it is very easy to communicate through telephone, letters, emails, magazines, books, newspapers, television, blogs, and the list goes on. But what about real one-on-one, the other person truly understands what you are saying communication?

A friend of mine went through marriage counselling many years ago and she told me that the counsellor gave her and her husband “tools” for communication. They were supposed to look each other in the eye when they spoke, not interrupt each other, and before they could responded they needed to say something like “What I heard you say was . . .” and repeat what the other person said. By doing this each person would know whether they were heard correctly. But can you imagine going through life doing that? It would turn every conversation into a marathon. And just because you hear what was said doesn’t mean you understand it.

Most people indicate that they have, or have not, listened by their actions. I think anyone with children would know exactly what I mean. I hear my mother’s voice come out of my throat when I find myself saying to one of my daughters, “Now tell me what I just said.” That technique works well if I am trying to create a parrot. I’ve now modified my words to “Did you hear me?” Of course anyone can claim they have heard what you said and even repeat it back when pressed, but that doesn’t mean they were listening.

So how do you know if someone is listening to you or not? I’ve tried the look-them-in-the-eye method, which gives the impression of a receptive person, however I tend to stop talking when I see the glazed over eyes looking beyond me trying to watch the TV or anything else which catches their attention. Most times I just give up. If they are not listening what is the point of talking?

It seems listening is a lost art. I am just as guilty as the next person, but my reasons are not distraction. I find I don’t listen to someone when I am busy or they are just saying something I don’t want to hear. I used to walk away from my ex-husband while he was telling me something as I just had too many things to do and just didn’t have time to sit down and listen to him. I tried to be polite and say things like “Keep talking, I can hear you, I’ve just got to do . . .” or pretend I was Japanese and repeat the words “yes” and “un-huh” over and over to indicate I was interested.

Lately I’ve found communication problems outside my home. Recently I was working with some network and IT personnel to fix problems for one of my computer clients. I thought all three of us were on the same page but their actions told me otherwise. I had to repeat myself so many times that it became frustrating. I even asked if they understood what I was saying, and they became “Japanese” on me! It wasn’t until I started drawing a diagram of exactly what I meant that we came to an understanding and could move forward with the project.

It’s events like these that make me wonder if anyone really listens to people. Have I been going my whole life saying something and assuming people knew what I meant but they haven’t? That’s a scary thought. Am I speaking a different language? Sometimes I think so.

Why do so many people not listen? Are we too busy in our lives to have time to listen to others? Do we feel we already know everything so we don’t need anyone else’s opinions? If so, what’s the point of talking? If there is no one listening then do we still make a sound?

I think it is a basic human nature to talk. We have a compelling need to use words to express ourselves, whether someone cares to hear us or not. The proof is all around us: millions of books, thousands of television shows, and billions of people using the internet to express themselves every day.

So how can we tell if we are understood and does it really matter? For me the proof of understanding comes from action. This could be a verbal response which adds to or contradicts what I have said. Maybe an act that shows me that I was heard. Sometimes inaction indicates understanding.

I think it does matter, as it is when we aren’t understood that problems arise. We don’t live solitary lives (maybe a few people do) and we need others to survive. So that is why I think listening and understanding are important. That doesn’t mean I will always be understood and I understand and accept that, but if you find me walking away from you saying “I’m listening” you might want to save your breath and just shut up.