What’s happened to dating?

I’ve been thinking too much again, which is one of my major faults along with perfectionism and being a control freak. Having children has helped me with those last two faults as any parent knows you cannot control a child and nobody is perfect no matter how hard you try – it’s all just a perception anyway.

What have I been thinking about you may ask? Relationships. I have always spent a lot of time rethinking past relationships, which is probably normal for most people. Everyone is always trying to learn from past mistakes. You know, trying to figure out what went wrong, what you could have done differently or what they could have done right. I say that because being a perfectionist, I certainly would not have done anything wrong. ;-)

The reason I’ve been thinking about relationships is I’ve started “dating” again. I’ve been separated from my husband for three years now and decided this would be the year I try to find someone. I had thought of letting someone find me, but in my life I don’t go anywhere I encounter single men regularly. Most places I go are with my children so I spend time with other families or if there were any single men around they don’t make it known, plus I find it is just assumed that a woman with children is unapproachable.

I finally gave in to my curiosity and my friend’s nagging to join a dating website. Being a computer consultant it just made sense to look for someone using the tools of my trade. At first it was a big ego boost as I received attention from many different men, unfortunately most were not my type. A lot of the men were much older and bald – yes, I guess I am a bit shallow. But the way I see it, if you don’t like what you are looking at how are you going to be with them – would you just stare at the floor or ceiling the entire time? Some of the men were from my area and one I already knew from Playcentre and my children’s school. I was a bit surprised to find out that he had liked me for some time, especially since he and his wife had only split up a few months before. Now I think I know why his wife used to pick fights with me – I always just thought it was my accent that bothered her.

It didn’t take long for the excitement of the website to wear off. The men I was interested in didn’t like me and vice versa. It seemed that many were “ready to have children” and I am past that point. I was amazed to see so many 30-something men putting that information in their profile. When I dated 30+ aged men they always steered away from the conversation of children. They seemed to think of it as too much of a commitment. I know Kiwi men are different than American men, but maybe society has changed in the 14 years since I last dated.

The other thing that made me lose interest in dating online was how impersonal it was. It was like you either had to spend days getting to know someone through messages or you had to quickly go on a date with a complete stranger. I tried to liken it to meeting someone at a pub (or where ever people meet these days). In a pub you would give someone a look and then chat to them and then exchange phone numbers. Later you would spend several days talking on the phone or maybe just set up a dinner date. From there you would continue talking on the phone weekly or daily (if you were really keen) until the relationship developed into something more intimate.

But with the internet you don’t know who you are chatting to. You see a photo (or not) and read a profile which could be completely made up. For all I know I was chatting to a bunch of college boys sitting around their room taking turns answering my questions. A few conversations I had with “suitors” were very strange and awkward. I felt as though I was not chatting with the person who had written the profile, or that they were chatting with several other women at the same time. Is that what society has come to? We are all so insecure that we have to have several prospects on the go at once? When I was younger there were people like that – the women we called sluts and the men we called users (or assholes if they were an ex!). I found it difficult to carry on a written conversation with someone because many times my words were taken the wrong way. I know there are slang words (LOL) and emoticons but it isn’t the same. When I joined the site I thought I would meet someone, exchange phones numbers and start a relationship from there. But it seems it is either meet or chat online.

I don’t know if I was distrusting or just being cautious, but I wasn’t about to run off and meet just anyone that asked. I did go on one date which was nice but the guy seemed to go from being cold to liking me too much. Fortunately he left two days later to lead a tour bus around the country. I considered him my guinea pig as I just needed to get a date under my belt. I liked him at first until I found out that he isn’t a permanent resident and lives in his mini van. So I set up a date with someone else, this time being optimistic as we had more in common. But once the date was sent we didn’t chat again. So the night before the planned date I sent a message confirming that we would meet, giving him my cell phone number. Just before I left the house the next morning I checked my online messages and he had cancelled due to an illness in the family. We rescheduled for two days later and I told him to ring if anything came up. Two days later I had a coffee by myself at the place we were meant to meet. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt by sticking around for an hour after our planned time, but he never showed. I was actually relieved as his picture looked like a boyfriend of mine 20 years ago. I knew he wasn’t the same man, but I don’t know if I wanted to be reminded of that relationship. You may wonder what happened to make this man stand me up – well it took several days for me to find out, even though he had my cell phone number. He finally sent me a message saying that he had to go be with his sick father, however he didn’t actually apologise for standing me up. I was understanding and we said we would try to meet up again. That is the last message we sent each other. I didn’t feel there was any effort on his part so I gave up.

At this point I wasn’t getting much new attention on the website and I was losing interest fast. It seemed like too much wasted effort. When did dating become so difficult? How can you get to know someone through words on a screen if you don’t know the context they were written? I longed for the “good old days” when you didn’t have to hunt down a partner. I thought maybe I should change my profile to better reflect who I am. So I began to think, what is my type and what makes a good relationship. The interesting thing is you think you know what you want but when you have to put it down in writing you become unsure. So I thought about my past relationships and what I liked about them and what seemed to make them work, when they did work!

I believe that a good relationship needs to be based on honesty, communication, and respect. This is any type of relationship – friendship, family, partner, and even your relationship with yourself. If you don’t have these elements then you won’t have a healthy relationship. What about love, what about sex, you say? Well, that is all well and good (sometimes better than good) but those things are fleeting. If you can tell people honestly what you are feeling, what you want, what you need then the relationship can grow. But you can’t do that if you are not honest with yourself first. By honesty I don’t just mean not telling lies. If that were true then I would be a hypocrite. There are acceptable lies, like saying she looks lovely in that outfit because you just want to get to the movies on time. For me honesty means allowing yourself to feel, not denying what you don’t want to know, and not denying other people’s feelings.

With communication I don’t just mean words, as they can be misconstrued. There are many other forms of communication – a thoughtful gesture, a look, a touch, and a gift, are just a few. Unfortunately you can’t communicate with someone else if they are unwilling to communicate with you. Just as communication fails if no one is listening. Fortunately I am listening to this ranting so as least one person is benefiting from this form of communication!

And there must be respect. Again this needs to begin within yourself. You can’t expect others to respect you if you don’t respect yourself. I’m not talking about the kind of respect you give someone in authority. I mean treating others as you would like to be treated. I have the challenging task of trying to teach my children respect for each other. It’s a hard concept to grasp, even for adults, let alone a 5 and 9 year old child. I am constantly saying “Would you like someone to do that to you?” after one of them hits, bites, or yells at the other. Oh the joys of being a parent!

So that is what I feel makes a good relationship and knowing that, I can then try to determine what type of person I want to be with. Of course it goes without saying (although I will now say it) that they must be a person who is honest, communicates well and respectful. And as you have already read they must be good looking (no old, bald guys). I forgot to mention shallow under my faults!

I want someone similar to me, or at least what I perceive myself to be. Secure in themselves but not stuck up. Intelligent and able to communicate well. Loving, caring and giving nature. Affectionate, which means being able to touch in a caring way – holding hands, cuddling, walking arm in arm, leaning on each other, etc. Someone who likes animals and the environment. Someone who is accepting of other people’s differences. I like to think I have an open mind and I allow people to be who they want. I don’t like people who try to force their beliefs on me or think their way is the best/only way. I can figure things out for myself and if I want to know more I will. Someone who is creative, passionate, articulate, and has a sense of humour. I am sure there is more but as I said before it is difficult to list what you want, especially while you are sitting by yourself. If I had a friend here I am sure they would be telling me what I’ve left out.

Is it sad that we have become so busy with life that we have to rely on a machine to help us find someone? I do know some people who have met over the internet and they are still together. A woman I work with got engaged 4 months after meeting someone online. I wonder what the statistics would be comparing lasting relationships which have been forged online versus relationships that have developed the old-fashioned way?

I’m not looking for “true love” or my “soul mate” or even my next husband (I don’t know that I want to be married again). And I am certainly not looking for a father for my children or someone to have more kids with. I am just looking for someone like me who can share my thoughts, feelings, interests, and to spend some time with. Re-reading that last line tells me I’ve already found someone – myself! So I guess I should clarify that I do want someone that is different from me but has the same desires and goals for a relationship.